The Good and Ugly Looking Bias
Posted on October 2, 2007 - Filed Under Confidence Tips, Dating Tips, Inner Game
“The Good and Ugly Looking Bias”
Today I am going to talk about an interesting
thing that I’ve noticed over the years as a dating
coach…
Ugly guys like to envy handsome guys because
they think being bad or average-looking is
holding them back from being noticed by women, and
handsome guys like to get angry because they think
their looks are not helping them.
Every week, my mailbox is packed with emails
that say, “Marius…I am so sick of women ignoring
me just because I am not good-looking. Everywhere I
go, I see women with ATTRACTIVE guys and I am sick
of it.”
But right next to these emails are often
emails from “good-looking guys” that say something
like, “Marius…I am so sick of good looking
women going out with these fat and ugly guys. I
am a lot better looking than they are, so why
don’t women notice me?”
This is a GREAT example of how easy it is
for the human mind to draw conclusions from
insecurities. Both camps of guys feel they are
being ignored by women because they are “ugly”
or “good-looking”, which to the outsider will
almost sound like a paradox. And as with many
paradoxes, a “third statement” can often reveal
the truth.
So…who’s right?
Personally, I think they are both right.
There ARE good-looking guys dating quality women
and they are ALSO bad-looking guys dating quality
women. But the problem with the guys mentioned
today is that they look at the real world through
coloured lenses. The “bad-looking guy” only notices
good-looking guys dating gorgeous women, and
the “good-looking guy” only notices “fat guys”
dating attractive girls.
By the way, this problem isn’t limited to
looks. There are lots of African American guys who
write to me because they think women do not like
black guys. At the same time, I also get lots of
emails from white guys who feel they are at a
disadvantage because “American women like
well-hung black men.”
Similarly, many Asian guys have emailed
me because they think Asian-American women
like to go for white guys as a way to “raise their
social status.” I’ve even had a reader tell me it
is “impossible” for an Asian guy to find a good
Asian woman in America because they are “all” only
interested in white guys. Meanwhile, I get emails
from white guys who need help with getting Asian
girls because they think Asian girls are too traditional
to date someone outside their race.
Once again, who’s right?
This example even applies to body hair. There
are guys who think they can’t get women because
they have too much body hair, and there are guys
who think they can’t get women because they have
too little body hair.
The list of insecurities goes on and on.
Here’s the simple lesson of the day: As
humans, we often like to blame some external
factors that we can’t change as the causes of our
failures rather than taking responsibility for our
own actions.
While this strategy may protect our egos,
it won’t help us in the long run. The frustration
will continue to grow and our confidence will erode.
In all of the above scenario, Mr. Insecure
would have been MUCH better off had he focused on
things that he COULD change. Instead of declaring.
“Women don’t like me because I am not good looking”
he should have thought to himself, “There are
average-looking guys dating beautiful girls
everywhere. What are they doing that I am not?”
As I always say, you can’t change your
skin color or looks, but you CAN change the way
you interact with women. You CAN flirt with women,
tease them, and act like a challenge. You CAN
have a more exciting personality.
I guarantee you that in the long run,
this will be MUCH more effective than just blaming
everything on things you cannot change!
For more dating tips, sign up for my
free dating newsletter at:
http://www.datebeautifulwomen.com
Thanks,
Marius Panzarella
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